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Snark the Halls

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Being single during the holidays means that it’s the perfect time of year for many, many things to make you feel stabby.  Go grab your peppermint-bark-crusted-salted-caramel-nutella-oreo-chocolate-explosion cookies and sit down with me for a moment.

socksWM

‘Tis the Season of family holiday photo cards arriving in the mail. Oh, yay. The snail-mail arrival of perfect photographic depictions of perfect families and perfect kiddos.  The only thing holding my sanity intact when I open these are that I am close enough to these gorgeous faces that I know a photocard only captures one perfect moment. I’ve seen the meltdowns and diaper explosions, people. I’m onto you. 🙂

‘Tis the Season of being the only single gal at gatherings and neverending “Sooooooo, how’s your love life?!?”s. While I don’t mind sharing my dating shitshow stories in the least, it can also be deflating. If I have to hear “OhmyGAWD, I’m SO glad I don’t have to deal with dating any more.” one more time, someone’s gonna get a bacon-wrapped date where the sun don’t shine.

‘Tis the Season of sappy jewelry commercials that invoke single-girl emotional death spirals. After seeing them, I can’t help but imagine all my coupled-up friends having fireside chocolate and wine and gifting their ladies diamond tennis bracelets… while I’ll be on the couch in my UGA sweats watching Love Actually and eating my feelings in Rolos.

‘Tis the Season of being the last consideration when it comes to family gatherings and travel arrangements. If you have no family of your own, it’s automatically assumed you’ll go with the majority rule. The only way around that is to grow a pair, speak up, and say that you’re doing your own thing this year. Which I did.

‘Tis the Season of FUCK YOU, MISTLETOE. Maybe I should start full-body tackling any single man that walks within 5ft of that make-out malarkey. That might work to score me a date, no?

‘Tis the Season of the bleeding checkbook.  Giving gifts to a single person is easy. One person, one gift. But giving gifts AS a single? We wind up spending double to reciprocate gifts given to us by couples. It hurts the single-income wallet.

But on the other hand… as a single…

‘Tis the Season of not having to haul around a monstrously big tree. A friend of mine we’ll call FreakFlag got stuck playing Catch the Tree while her husband shoved a 7-footer over the rail of their back deck. It was all fun and games until the stump landed directly on her big toe. Gee, that sounds like fun. Yeah, no thanks.  I stuck an inanimate pretty thing on my counter, hung two stockings on my front door, slapped a string of lights over my outside entrance and called it a day.

treeWM

‘Tis the Season of not having to fight with any in-laws over who’s going where this year, how much to spend on each cousin under the age of 13, or any other nonsense that stirs up hurt feelings and drama. Y’all have fun with that. I’ll be over here sexting with the other lonely singles.

‘Tis the Season of baking…but only if I want to.  There are no daycare/school parties requiring cookies and no neighborhood block parties demanding banana/pumpkin bread. And if I do choose to bake, people are all… whoa, look what the single girl did! You’d think I didn’t have opposing thumbs.

‘Tis the Season of not being required to send cards. I will say that I appreciate the friends that remember that I’m alive this time of year, because it is sweet to be included in their address list. But no one seems to mind if single people don’t send cards.  I personally do, but I stick with something funny/snarky. Like this.

cardsWM

‘Tis the Season to gift yourself! So what if no one is giving me bling? See those boots? I want em. Hmm, that Coach bag is gorgeous. It shall be mine. I probably would have spent a ridiculous amount on a significant other, so why not treat myself? More, why let all these sales go to waste??

‘Tis the Season of freedom. Singles can travel! Last year I spent New Year’s Eve in California. This year, New York, are you ready for me?!?!  My friend NotMary is grabbing the chance to take a trip to Haiti, just because she can. Cool, right?

Well hell, y’all.  Overall, I think the goods outweigh the bads. And if the bads are really bad this year?  There’s always alcohol.

Lots and lots of alcohol.

So tell me.  Single or taken, what are the most annoying things about the holidays for YOU?

8 responses »

  1. Favorite thing about the holidays? Spiked eggnog and decorations in the stores.
    Least favorite things? The unspoken competition that exists in almost every scenario – from who sent Christmas cards to who gave the best gift to who looked the cutest at the party. It creates this huge gray cloud over my head beginning when I get my first holiday card. In November.

    I salute rocking your sweats and eating all the pumpkin bread yourself.

    Reply
  2. Yes gift yourself! I bought myself a new camera since mine died. I like the holidays mostly b/c it’s so fun for the kids. but I hate all of the rushing around in the crowds. I’m always relieved when it’s over.

    Reply
    • Ooooh, shiny new-camera-things are fun! Good for you! Agree, the crowds are terrible, and not just for gift shopping. Seems like grocery stores, drug stores, everywhere are just packed. Where are these people hiding the rest of the year?? 🙂

      Reply
  3. On the jewelry commercial front… that “Every Kiss Begins With Kay” tagline really does make me want to start stabbing people. (Why don’t just use a more direct tagline, like “Romance Is Only Real if Commerce Is Involved”?)

    Reply
  4. I love this. I moved straight out of my mother’s house and in with my boyfriend, now husband. I’ve never had a single Christmas. Some years (like this one) it’s all just too much and I wish I could skip the season. But you can’t skip when your kid is almost 6. I figure at some point when he’s done with the Santa business I will propose the easy Christmas. We will have a restful, quiet, not filled with noise and crazy and running Christmas. We will sit around for a few days and relax. That’s my fantasy. I love watching my son love the holidays, but some years it’s just too much.

    Merry Christmas to you!!

    Reply
    • Ever seen the movie The Holiday? With the house/life swap? We should do that. I’ll give you my house for the holiday – you could sit by the fireplace and eat chocolate and watch movies, while I have your noise and crazy and running Christmas with your kiddo! 🙂 Either way, I hope you one day have your fantasy come true. Merry Christmas!

      Reply

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