When it comes to staying true to myself, I feel like an epic failure.
Jason and I are going through some bumps right now. I am unsure whether blogging about it is appropriate or not, because hell, what if we wind up working it out and staying together for a long time and make beautiful CrossFit’ing babies together? Then I look like an asshole for being all, “he is such a JERK” to the internet way at the beginning of our relationship. But on the flip side, what if he dumps me today and it’s bullshit to worry about what the web thinks about me anyway? And the likelihood that he will dump me (or that I will do vice versa) is sadly pretty high.
And another thing? When I started this blog, I did it anonymously for this very reason… so I COULD be real and uncensored. So I could be open and put it all out there for the world to see.
Irony of ironies, I’m struggling with staying true to myself with my blog, too. Epic, epic failure.
Here’s the jist of it. I see red flags. I suppress the fears. I become hyper-aware of other red flags. If I see even a HINT of more, I suppress those fears too. Until the other person has to back me into a corner OR piss me off one too many times and I finally spill it and fess up to everything that I’m concerned about or what he’s done to piss me off…. except it all comes out at once in a massive flood of uncertainty and doubt while trying to communicate with your person that you’re not happy but instead sounding critical and bitchy despite every effort not to sound critical and bitchy. Nice run-on, Peach. They are baffled and blindsided and had no idea you were even slightly upset. Then you have to wait for the waters to calm before you discuss things rationally, but by that time you’re both eyeing each other warily and questioning whether this whole thing is even salvageable. It’s a fucking death spiral.
I may have done it too late, but I finally communicated fully to him everything that concerned me about our relationship. I did so calmly and without feminine dramatics. His response was not at all what I was hoping for and on more than one key points, we do not see eye to eye. I refuse to change for anyone, nor will I attempt to change him. Not to mention our “rational discussion” ended with me discovering that, sometime in the previous 48hrs, he’d bagged up the few toiletries and items I’d left at his place and placed them in the living room “just in case”. I do not agree with his statement that I was was being overly dramatic with my reaction. (Equal parts crushed and angry.) He’d already booted me out symbolically. It fucking hurt. Still does. So I didn’t leave my things there. I brought them home with me the next morning.
For being such a confident and sassy woman, I do not understand why I am apparently incapable of speaking up in relationships IN THE MOMENT, to say what hurts me or scares me. If only I could have been more bold, maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe then I wouldn’t be bracing myself for impact of the words I think are coming.
Current status: unknown. If this is who we each are, and we’re discovering that we just don’t work well together, so be it. But there has to be some compromise, somewhere, if we are to have any chance at all. In the meantime, I’ll keep reading my new mantra.