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Good intention. Bad execution.

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I remember feeling dizzy as I walked into my spacious new bathroom, hands full of food and water. I just needed to lie down on the cool tiles for a minute and I’d be okay. I had started to bend my knees when I vaguely registered everything slipping out of my grasp.  Whether it was the clatter of the plate meeting tile or the pain of my head meeting the tub that brought back my coherence, I am unsure.

I only knew that I was ass-first on the floor, upper body wobbling like last night’s drunk.  Blinking hard to clear the polka dots from my eyes, I looked around from my odd new vantage point and said to no one, “WhhhaaaaHapppennnn?”.

I should’ve known that solo attempts in the bar scene would lead to bad things. Last night, for instance. Far too many free drinks. Far too little food.  Married men who bragged about their three kids in one breath and leaned in to tell me how fucking sexy I am in the next. One of whom followed me to my car, doing his sloppydrunk best to convince me to take him back to my place.

Groaning at the flashback, I thought, “Did I tell him off? I think I did. Yes. I DID.  I told him to keep his fucking hands off of me and go home to his WIFE. And that I sure as hell deserved more than HIM.” What an asshole.

Feeling less woozy, I propped my chin on my hands and evaluated the wreckage. The Tervis tumbler was fine, but I was sitting in a puddle of the damn water that was once inside of it. The plate wasn’t as lucky. There was a scallop of color sheared from its cheerful yellow edge. The stark exposure of its vulnerable insides made me touch two fingers delicately to my forehead.  There would be a small bump.  My lower lip began to tremble as the single-girl-terrors took over.  “Oh, god.  That bump that could’ve been a gash. That gash could’ve bled buckets while I was unconscious. I could’ve DIED. And no one would have found me for days, because I am alone. So. Fucking. Alone.”

…I took a sick day that day.  Good thing I also took a tub-thwacking dose of reality.

I thought moving to Atlanta would make everything better.  I’d envisioned hitting the town each night dressed in fabulously sexy outfits, flaunting the body that only the Northeastern lifestyle of the young and stupid had allowed me to attain. (i.e., sickly thin)  Here, I’d reclaim all the things I lacked while merely existing up there: Heart. Love. Ease. Space. Breathing again. Living again.

Good intention. Bad execution.  I was still just a junk-food-eating, chain-smoking boozer, except now I drove my quickly widening ass everywhere and there wasn’t a ladycrew to go out with every night.

No more of this nonsense. Time to try something drastic.

Hmmmm.   What about online dating?
———————————————
read to be read at yeahwrite.me

What is Yeah Write?  It’s awesomesauce, that’s what it is.

47 responses »

  1. Oh, Miz Peach, I wish we had been on the scene together. We could have gone speed dating, because that was a whole lotta train wreck. I love this story– it’s got humor and pathos and the thought process that leads us all to on-line dating. I would avoid Jdate unless you are (1) jewish or (2) like rejection. I love your stories. Keep ’em coming.

    Reply
  2. Ooooh, feeling so grateful for my husband! Looks like there’s a sequel coming, and I can’t wait to read it; this was funny, honest and interesting.

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  3. Love this — especially that it was the chip in the plate that sent you over the edge. And why were you going to eat in the bathroom?

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  4. LOL! This seemed so Bridget Jones to me (in a good way). Hang in there, Peach! And I second IASoupMama – why were you going to eat in the bathroom?

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    • Haha! “I’d be left alone, dead, being eaten by a pack of wild dogs…” Yes, Bridget did come to mind! I scoffed at her overly dramatic description… until the moment of abject fear happened to me too. I’m hanging in, Larks. Thank you! 🙂

      My bathroom has the coldest floors in the house. I wanted to lay down and die on them.

      Reply
  5. Dating as an adult was always the pits for me too! The only reason why I kept on hacking away at it was because it gave me fantastically funny stories to share with my friends and co-workers.

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  6. Freaking love this! We’ve all been there done that! Ha ha! As far as the dating scene… yikes. I’m sending you my link of the Columbus, Ohio men on Match, you should get a kick outta it! Scary shit out there!

    http://germanvillagemom.blogspot.com/2012/07/mens-matchcom-photos.html

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  7. Loved this – great descriptions and humor. I remember the dread and self-pity so well! Your description of the universal “single-girl-terror” was hysterical and on target! Well done!

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    • Aw, thank you! This post was fun, because it was simply a retelling of ME, in all my hot-mess-ness, snark (humor) included. These great responses from everyone are so cool!

      Reply
  8. Very well written. And may I say I’ve been there a spell or two! Being alone can be so liberating but also impossibly lonely! great post!

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  9. I totally felt your pain about moving (duh, that was my pain too). But you inadvertently made me happy I wasn’t doing it alone. Nice story!

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  10. Very funny! I liked the details like the tumbler and the chipped plate…things you would notice when you are drunk and trying to figure out what is happening.

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  11. Online dating has its own perils. I get so many ideas for my advice blog from my friends’ online dating adventures.

    This post reminds me why I’m a cheap date.

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  12. Oh, Peach. This was awesome. I had to read it three times. Well done, you! I have been together with my guy for 20 years (we celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary tomorrow!!) so I have to admit I’ve never actually been on a real date before, but I can relate to feeling alone sometimes – we all can, that’s for damn sure. I love your humor through it all. Thank you.

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    • Aw, Melisa. I heart you. I think the fact that you married your BFF is pretty much the best thing ever…that’s what I’m holding out for. I’m SO awed that you read it three times. I’m even more grateful that I managed to spit something out that a larger audience can relate to…not just the Bridget Jones-esque. Thank you so much for the feedback.

      Reply
  13. I don’t understand married men (or women for that matter) who go looking for extracurricular activity. If you want to do that shit, then get a divorce and have at it.

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    • Joseph (or is it Joe?) – thank you for the comment! I love the fact that you and Jay weigh in on my single-woman disasters. They are appreciated. And may I just say I heartily second your opinion. I’m glad I unleashed some venom on him. He deserved it.

      Reply
  14. Oh I’m glad you called in a sick day for that one.
    I remember being single as well and I swear you jumped into my head when you said “Oh, god. That bump that could’ve been a gash. That gash could’ve bled buckets while I was unconscious. I could’ve DIED. And no one would have found me for days, because I am alone. So. Fucking. Alone.”.
    That is so incredibly me.
    This was an awesome and relate-able story. Great job!

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    • Hi Dawn! I’m so glad you enjoyed it. Another holy shit moment happened a few days after this incident. My bathroom has the toilet in a separate room, which has an overhead light fixture. I’d just walked out of that nook, taken 2 steps out into the open, and the glass dome cover of the light fixture somehow came loose and fell down… smashing into pieces…. right where I had been 5 seconds before. ohmygod. Peach was shaking in terror for the next 4 hrs. 😦

      Reply
      • Oh my word, I would have been too! There are so many more hazards to living alone than just having to deal with creeps!
        Thankfully that worked out in the best way possible.

  15. Great telling. Sorry about the plate. It sounds cute. 😉

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    • Thanks, and yes, I love my plates. They’ve been with me through so much and that broken chunk is just one more reminder of how far I’ve come. 🙂

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  16. Very well told, down to the scumbags in the bar. Hard to believe guys act like that. Who has time to go out to bars when they have 3 kids?

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    • Jay, like I told Joseph, I appreciate very much the male perspective on my single-woman disasters. They are appreciated. You would be appalled at how often this happens. It’s truly unfortunate.

      Reply
  17. Ahh! I wish I knew you lived in Atlanta. I was there for 6 months. I agree. Great story. I have never been along. Going in and out of relationships for the past 13 years. Not healthy at all. I think I need that, to find myself, to realize a lot. I don’t know. Wish we could have gone out together 🙂

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  18. blech, i don’t miss being single and the bar scene.

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    • It isn’t all bad… I’ve had some very lovely, non-icky, but zero-chemistry dates as well. it’s just that those translate into very uninteresting writing. 🙂

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  19. Love this! Great storytelling. Isn’t it wonderful when bad execution pays off in excellent writing?

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  20. Wow. I feel like you wrote a post of me, in my first months in Manhattan, back in 1996. Only the plate was a different color. So vivid.

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    • Ah, Manhattan. Even more dangerous than the South, because no driving required! Worst hangovers of my LIFE up there. Way worse than this one. 🙂

      Reply
  21. Pingback: Project Peach Cadet update, Months 3-4 « Fifty Shades of Peach

  22. Pingback: Day 13: A tub-thwacking dose of reality « Fifty Shades of Peach

  23. Pingback: Day 13: A tub-thwacking dose of reality | Fifty Shades of Peach

  24. Pingback: Project Peach Cadet update, Months 3-4 | Fifty Shades of Peach

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