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Butterfly This.

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“Okay, so I need you to remove all clothing from the waist down and hop up on the table for me.  I’ll be back in a few.”

As she shut the door behind her, my head swiveled to the paper-covered table and narrowed my eyes a bit.  Hmmm… no coverup provided. The room must not have been large enough for my modesty AND the vats of hot wax, popsicle sticks and latex gloves.  With a resigned exhale, I did as I was told.

Huh. Kinda breezy in here.

This was not my first rodeo with waxing, but it had been eight? a few years since I’d willingly let someone tear hair out by the roots of my ladybits. I was nervous. And when I’m nervous, I find EVERYTHING funny. Like the TV they had mounted on the ceiling. In this retelling? notsofunny.  At that moment while I lay there, alone and half nekkid, I might have snorted.

For those of you have have undergone such an ordeal, you’ll appreciate the below.  Feel free to add your own advice or funny stories in the comments!  For those of you who haven’t, but might want to try it… do not be alarmed.  What you’re reading is absolutely the worst of it (and remember it’s meant to be funny!).  Afterwards, the benefits to you AND your “other” are well worth a little discomfort.

So I give to you: Peach’s five rules of the bikini wax:

1. Do crack unnecessary jokes with your esthetician, including OHHHHHHHKELLYCLARKSON!!!!  (If you have someone with a personality, they’ll get the reference. Mine did!)

2. DON’T WATCH.  Better to not know when the rrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRIPPPPP is coming you have to prevent yourself from striking another human being violently.

3. Be prepared to be a bit, um, flexible.  After all, it isn’t the most easily accessible area, so you gotta be able to go with it a little. Think yoga. Mmmmhmmm. Yep.

4. Nowadays they offer varying states of undress in that area. Whether it’s a modest touch-up, a heart or design, a landing strip, or the whole shebang… it’s up to you. If you’re a newbie, try out whatever makes you most comfortable in your first go.  If you’re cool going the Full Monty the first time out, more power to you.  Just please, please, I beg of you. Don’t try the Vajazzle.

5. Sometimes the areas where you think it will hurt the worst?  Don’t.  Where you least expect it to hurt? holymotherofsweetbabyjesus. 

6. Schedule your visit at a time when you are able to ingest some liquid courage beforehand. Like Jameson. A lot of it. If that’s not available, pop a few Advil an hour before.

7. Be prepared for the shockingly long list of things you cannot do for 24hrs. A few include no lotions/creams, hot showers, or excessive sweating.  Yeah, here you are thinking you’re gonna have this sexy new hoo-ha and enjoy some nookie?  Nope!  Trrrrrrrrust me. The very thought of any naughty stuff will send you straight to the Ben & Jerry’s.  You NEED the recovery time.  This means loose clothing, no sweaty CrossFit, cool showers, and some much needed downtime with the DVR.

8. Once the initial chicken-skin redness goes away (usually within 24hrs), you’ll be pleasantly surprised with the results. I promise.  Heck, I even have a few male friends that want to try waxing certain areas they’re tired of man-scaping… I say they should!  Thoughts?

I’m off to enjoy a girl-date at a fabulous restaurant I’ve been missing.  Happy Weekend, everyone!


2 responses »

  1. I’ve only gotten myself waxed once, not for lack of liking the results or because I thought it was too much pain…. it’s more that I can’t merit the expense of doing it on the regular. I remember the girl who did mine was so shocked that I didn’t cry because apparently most first timers do… but I honestly didn’t think it was all that painful.

  2. This is hilarious and so are you! Oh, have I been there. Here are some thoughts from my end of the world:

    – Do NOT get waxed when you are PMSing. Why? Go ahead and try it and you’ll quickly learn why. It goes without saying that you just should NOT get waxed when ON your period. Ew.

    – Find a product called “No Bumps” for afterwards. Can’t find “No Bumps”? Rubbing alcohol will do. Just make sure you are prepared for some screaming. It hurts way less than the waxing, though. Not to worry.

    – It’s true you don’t want to watch, but try to anticipate when the strip is going to rip so you can BREATHE OUT. Like you said, pretend you’re doing yoga.

    – Be VERY VERY clear about the look you are going for. If there is a language barrier, draw a picture. I swear to God you will thank me later. One time during a waxing, I was starting to wonder why OH FOR THE LOVE WHY was it hurting SO MUCH MORE THAN NORMAL. When she was done, she handed me a mirror. To my complete shock/horror, there was nary a hair in sight. It was ALL GONE. I said, “I asked you to leave a strip!?!” she said, “Oh, sorry, I thought you said “DON’T leave a strip” … your husband be surprised!”

    And your #5 above? SO. EFFING. TRUE.


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