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Online Dating 101: On Narcissism

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Even if being narcissistic falls FAR outside your comfort zone, it is a critical requirement when it comes time to complete your online dating profile. This process inevitably prompts the user to *really* delve into the question of whether they have any fucking clue as to who they are or what they want.

People. Listen up.  You have to know yourself.  It’s shocking to me how few people really do.

Know your best attributes and voice them in your summaries and stats! There is NOTHING wrong with being smart or funny, tall or short, pale or tan, goofy or loud.  Be who you are, put it out there, and chances are, someone will find you and go, “hey! That’s awesome!”. And if they don’t find your goodies appealing, shoot em a mental bird and move along.

And good god, people.  DO NOT LIE.

If you are a guy who is short, do NOT claim that you are 6’0.  Because it’s gonna be hella awkward when I show up in four inch heels and you are saying hello to my belly button. And don’t call your man-boobs “athletic”.  I beg of you.

Ladies, I know it is hard. Chances are, we’re all 10-15lbs heavier than we want to be.  But I promise you, it would not be in your best interest to advertise on your profile that you’re “thin” or “fit”, if in fact you are not.  Does it SUCK to admit that you may have a little junk in your trunk? Absofuckinglutely. I’m just telling you to spare yourself the humiliation of meeting a guy for the first time and dealing with his surprise when you are not what you advertised.  He won’t be polite. 😦

You simply have to have the balls to put it all out there.  Complete your essays honestly and succinctly.  Mean what you say and say what you mean. That’s about it.

The shitty fact of the matter is that not everyone is honest or self-aware. There will be lies on profiles, there will be fake pictures, there will be false statements.  So why do this?  Faith.  Faith that you’ll run across the rare few that are real, self-aware and honest. And that may just make all this bullshit worth it.

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